One of the earliest moments I can remember is when I was growing up and around five-years old, maybe a bit younger. I was siting with my babysitter — or at least, I think she was my babysitter? — and we were talking about me moving out of the state soon. She had tears in her eyes and I was confused why she was so upset as I had never watched someone cry about my departure. I asked what was wrong and she grabbed and hugged me as hard as she could, tears soaking my shoulder. With her voice cracking she said “You are a good kid, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
That would be the best and worst moment of my life.
I didn’t know how profound that moment would be for me, and I used that as fuel to stay alive the next 11-years. I would chant that message in my head during physical abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, molestation, assaults, rape, verbal attacks from friends and lovers, physical attacks from friends and lovers, sexual abuse from friends and lovers, and so much more.
Nothing will knock you down quicker than offering the best of yourself to someone and it still not being good enough.
M. W. Poetry
I only ever wanted to be “good” and my mother took the very idea out of my head as quickly as she could by wearing my down every day till I could escape her. Sadly, I still have not been able to do that.
I am here to heal that kid. I am tired of her hurting and occasionally coming to the surface to scream at friends and family, especially after the past half decade. We all deserve to love ourselves, but for many of us that have survived a narcissist, this is such a huge mountain to climb, especially when you’ve let a long passage of time go by.
I am here to tell my story and heal. Hopefully I can validate your story and give you hope to move forward and a feel alive again, or at least like a human being.