I am currently struggling with negative self-thinking. I found a text from around my birthday that I hadn’t seen. While the message was lovely, and I am lame for missing it, it just conjures up feelings I don’t want about my dead father.
Not knowing him did hurt me in ways that I haven’t addressed. The only memories of him are abandoning me in a parking lot and his mother giving me a puppy (my mother would later give that dog away while I was at school).
I guess I wonder what I ever did wrong? I don’t understand why he didn’t commit himself more to being a father and why part of me won’t ever be complete because of that? The feeling of not being lovable does sink a soul into depression.
The text was from his ex-girlfriend saying she missed conversing with me but rarely did so when it mattered. I don’t think comments under a post to be honest dialogue, and it erks me that people take that as enough to sustain a long-term relationship.
Then again, I look back at that statement and wonder if I am a hypocrite? Maybe my convos were short with my father, and he just deleted me because it wasn’t enough for him? Am I still in fight or flight mode after all the past two years have brought? So there is much to contemplate, but first, I will work on some self-soothing techniques as I am pretty sad right now, and it’s affecting my anxiety.