“I am too young to be this old” is a saying I repeat way too often. In my mid 30’s I am bed ridden on many days, the pain of my broken body is at times unbearable, at best it is tolerable. I am sure that my rotten health is related to the years of undiagnosed and unmanaged anxiety, and depression from PTSD. But that knowledge is hardly a comfort, is it?
On the extra bad days, that roll into weeks, I start to lose my will to keep trying. I shamefully admit that on the worst days I consider suicide, because I can’t imagine being able to cope for another 30 or more years like this.
Last week I started making a list to give to my specialist, because each time I go to see a doctor, my mind fog sets in and I can’t really remember what it is I need to tell them. It shocked me to realized that I’ve been diagnosed with more than 5 different auto-immune diseases. The new specialist is looking for 2 more – that was after he ruled out lymphoma and leukemia, along with ovarian cancer, thank goodness!
I am plagued by pain, but not just pain, dizzy spells, fatigue, muscle and joint weakness, night sweats, nausea, weight gain (often followed by periods of weight loss), my hair and nails are brittle, I get constant mouth sores and cystic acne because I am run down. That is just to name a few, but some cross over with potential issues from my car accident which left me with moderate spinal issues and nerve pain.
The past few weeks have been extra rough. While my new physio has helped improve some symptoms of my daily migraine type headaches, the pain in the rest of my body seems to be increasing instead. A short walk has me gasping for air, as though I’ve run a marathon, nightly soaking sweats wake me up shivering and swimming in my sheets, and the ups and downs in the temperature have me alternatively struggling to stay conscious from heat exhaustion, or shivering uncontrollably from what feels like hypothermia.
I am scared. How do I live with this?