Losing the will to fight my health

“I am too young to be this old” is a saying I repeat way too often. In my mid 30’s I am bed ridden on many days, the pain of my broken body is at times unbearable, at best it is tolerable. I am sure that my rotten health is related to the years of undiagnosed and unmanaged anxiety, and depression from PTSD. But that knowledge is hardly a comfort, is it?

On the extra bad days, that roll into weeks, I start to lose my will to keep trying. I shamefully admit that on the worst days I consider suicide, because I can’t imagine being able to cope for another 30 or more years like this.

Last week I started making a list to give to my specialist, because each time I go to see a doctor, my mind fog sets in and I can’t really remember what it is I need to tell them. It shocked me to realized that I’ve been diagnosed with more than 5 different auto-immune diseases. The new specialist is looking for 2 more – that was after he ruled out lymphoma and leukemia, along with ovarian cancer, thank goodness!

I am plagued by pain, but not just pain, dizzy spells, fatigue, muscle and joint weakness, night sweats, nausea, weight gain (often followed by periods of weight loss), my hair and nails are brittle, I get constant mouth sores and cystic acne because I am run down. That is just to name a few, but some cross over with potential issues from my car accident which left me with moderate spinal issues and nerve pain.

The past few weeks have been extra rough. While my new physio has helped improve some symptoms of my daily migraine type headaches, the pain in the rest of my body seems to be increasing instead. A short walk has me gasping for air, as though I’ve run a marathon, nightly soaking sweats wake me up shivering and swimming in my sheets, and the ups and downs in the temperature have me alternatively struggling to stay conscious from heat exhaustion, or shivering uncontrollably from what feels like hypothermia.

I am scared. How do I live with this?

5 thoughts on “Losing the will to fight my health

  1. Oh my dear, I understand. The Drs accumulatively have diagnosed me with 13 chronic illnesses, not including all the little stuff. I have it written down in a journal just to keep it all straight. I also think suicide. Not because I want to actually die, I love life, but this isn’t living anymore. I want the pain to stop on the bad days. And when I say anything out loud, my husband gets all freaked out because he doesn’t understand. He is military trained, and key words make him want to react, lock her up, so I stay quiet, silently suffering.

    I’ve learned some things that help, and then the snowball affects take place and before I know it, months of progress are undone in a matter of days, and i think to nyself “whats the point?”

    I love my kids and my husband, but I holding them back and being their burden.

    I say all that only to say I understand. I’m 33 this year, and I’ve been struggling since 2009.

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  2. I understand the feeling. I’m just hit “mid-thirty” a couple weeks ago and can’t imagine continuing like this when normal aging slows and wears on the body. I don’t know if I can handle one more week just like this, not to mention what things will be like in 5-10 years but I still hold out a bit of hope, that I may find some answer and reverse some of these issues.

    I hope you can make some upward progress as well. Have you had any medication changes lately? Some of the problems you have could be side effects of medications, as others have suggested, but I also recommend looking into what medications deplete from the body and also what certain deficiencies look like. Once your body starts getting out of order, it can go pretty far trying to correct itself and that’s good but makes finding the initial issue difficult.

    Also, keeping track of medication/supplement changes as well as symptoms, activity, and triggers is tedious but a lot of things take a while to cause changes and it’s very helpful for finding patterns, if you’re not doing that already.

    I’m sorry if I’m just telling you things you know or being annoying. Most importantly, I just wanted to say I understand. 💛

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  3. I hope you are able to get a better understanding of what is going on. Night sweats are a typical side effect from medication, as is dizziness. I’ve experienced them from mine. You will be amazed at the non life threatening side effects from medication. I am almost positive you may find your reason for multiple symptoms there.

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  4. You’ve definitely got a lot going on. Obviously I’ve not been through what you have, but I can empathise with various issues like living with pain, problems regulating temperature, dizzy spells. And eugh, night sweats are awful. Just got my usually 2 hours of sleep and woke up absolutely drenched, it’s horrible (don’t know what’s causing it in my case either). I’d like to think some of these things ‘flare up’ and will be worse at times, so other times they will be more manageable, less intrusive, less debilitating. I hope you find more answers and thus better ways to treat some of the health problems you’re experiencing. You can and will get through this and keep going, day by day. Just be patient with yourself because you’ve got a lot going on. Sending hugs your way… Caz xx

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