When you are somewhere in between

I feel like I am stuck in some kind of limbo at the moment. Somewhere between happy and sad. Somewhere between calm and anxious. Somewhere between well and sick. Somewhere between young, and old. A kind of no mans land, a place that doesn’t really exist, somewhere that dreams go to wither and die.

In my soul I feel tired, and full of unease, I’m not sick enough to be sick, but I’m not well enough to be well. I’m existing, but not living. My body is stiff and painful, my aches a constant companion, and emotionally the threat of tears is always right behind my eyelids.

There is a sense of invisibility about me, as if I have stopped being seen by the majority of the world. I wonder if anyone would notice if suddenly I failed to “be” anymore, anyone other than my husband, children, and two closest friends anyway. Would there be a void in peoples world, would they notice that someone was missing? And if they did, would they know it was me?

My self esteem is low currently, and while I try desperately to not compare myself to other people, I find myself doing it anyway. Comparing myself, and coming up a failure. I try so hard to be the best version of a human, the best Christian I can in my imperfect state, the best friend and caregiver, but it never feels like it’s enough, not to me, or to others who have expressed judgement of me.

This “middle of nowhere” feeling that I dwell within is crushing me right now. Existing somewhere in between real, and imagined, I hope to wake up soon from this new nightmare that has engulfed me.

Photo by Hanny Naibaho on Unsplash

7 thoughts on “When you are somewhere in between

  1. Whenever, I feel overwhelmed or distraught by what is happening around me I go to my memorials. Those are markers that I have purposefully created to remind myself of God’s goodness and his love for me. They are everywhere, in things I look at, screen names, etc. They are things to keep me focused on whatever is good, true, right (Philippians 4:8). It is a discipline but I am better for it. That is why I created hopehasahome.wordpress.com. It is a way to have constant reminders and an open conversation about the journey in hope. I am sharing with the hope that you are in some way helped by this practice.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is very powerfully written and I’m afraid I can’t offer much in response, though I have felt invisible before, and even now often feel as though if I weren’t here nobody would notice (which is pretty much true apart from my parents). I also get not feeling like you’re enough, that whatever you do isn’t enough. These are all really hard ones to come to terms with and to realise that you are enough; you don’t earn your right to live your own life happily, you just do. You don’t owe anyone a reason or a portfolio of all the things you are that make you a good person, a good friend, Christian, etc. You are enough, you are loved, and you can do this. Thinking of you.. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind and caring words and thoughts Caz. I see my Dr tomorrow, it’s been a long few weeks since I saw him last, I just hope I can be honest about how glum I’m feeling. I hate to let people down, even my doctors! Haha. Hope you are going well! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

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