I feel like I am stuck in some kind of limbo at the moment. Somewhere between happy and sad. Somewhere between calm and anxious. Somewhere between well and sick. Somewhere between young, and old. A kind of no mans land, a place that doesn’t really exist, somewhere that dreams go to wither and die.
In my soul I feel tired, and full of unease, I’m not sick enough to be sick, but I’m not well enough to be well. I’m existing, but not living. My body is stiff and painful, my aches a constant companion, and emotionally the threat of tears is always right behind my eyelids.
There is a sense of invisibility about me, as if I have stopped being seen by the majority of the world. I wonder if anyone would notice if suddenly I failed to “be” anymore, anyone other than my husband, children, and two closest friends anyway. Would there be a void in peoples world, would they notice that someone was missing? And if they did, would they know it was me?
My self esteem is low currently, and while I try desperately to not compare myself to other people, I find myself doing it anyway. Comparing myself, and coming up a failure. I try so hard to be the best version of a human, the best Christian I can in my imperfect state, the best friend and caregiver, but it never feels like it’s enough, not to me, or to others who have expressed judgement of me.
This “middle of nowhere” feeling that I dwell within is crushing me right now. Existing somewhere in between real, and imagined, I hope to wake up soon from this new nightmare that has engulfed me.