What I need

I am struggling a bit with anxiety at the moment, actually, it is not so much anxiety, as sheer discouragement and inner exhaustion. I feel drained mentally, physically, even spiritually.

You know the saying “the squeaky wheel gets the oil”, well I’m not a squeaky wheel. Here on this blog, I talk about feelings, negative self and indulgent ones even, but in my real life, I still haven’t found it easy to express my needs well. I’m a nurturer, so is my husband, we don’t find it simple to ask for help. We beliee being a Christian means putting yourself as less important than others, and not making a big deal when you do things for another, quietly and invisibly caring.

I’m finding it harder to find the energy to go out and face the world, knowing that unless I can be assertive and demanding, I’m probably never going to get what I need to feel from others. It is exhausting to put on a smile when I just feel like screaming or crying, falling down, covering my face, and sobbing until darkness falls.

Yes, I know what to do, but I don’t want to become the pushy person who is always determined to have MY needs met. I couldn’t do it back when I was in hospital, in fact, I was so quiet I’m pretty sure the nurses forgot I was even there. And I still can’t do it now. There were others who did, they had one on one visits with the nurses and more time each week with the doctors, I hope it helped them and they are well along and recovered now. I pray they learned to use their voice outside the hospital too and are being taken wonderful care of.

So instead I feel tired and somewhat invisible. Recently I/we asked for help, asked someone, several someones actually to support me in a very simple way. It wouldn’t have meant any thing much changing for them, except to include one new person (me) into their social group one afternoon a week. It was met with resistance. And it hurt. I quietly faded away into the background, pretending it didn’t worry me.

I have a wonderful husband and a small and loving group of elderly friends, but occasionally, I need to know there are others out there too. I’ve spent my life trying to care for every single person I’ve ever met, it’s exhausting but so worth it! Id not change it for the world!

But, what I need is to be taken care of occasionally without needing to push my way in to others lives too. There are so many people willing to do that, putting themselves first and squeaking away to make sure they are set up to win. I need to know that people see me, that I’m not invisible, and that my life mean something.

5 thoughts on “What I need

  1. I see you. You’re not invisible. And your life is worth a lot. A lot to me. A lot to your husband. A lot to your kids. And a lot to a lot of other people. I know we don’t catch each other in “real life” – I wish we could. But know, you’re never far from my thoughts. xx

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  2. It’s so sad to hear that when you finally ask for help and they refused you. That hurts a lot!! When you’re struggling with anxiety etc you need to feel that someone can take care of you sometimes. It’s not wrong to ask for it. And actually if they know you well they should give without asking. We who have mental issues often give a lot to everyone without asking for anything. We don’t speak up or claim our place . I have learn to say no! To know I am worth the time of others. If not I don’t need them in my life

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  3. This is very true, and unfortunately so in Christian circles. I was a lifelong church-goer and served for decades in ministry, but when problems arose I was rejected. The church and its community isn’t able or willing to deal with long-term needs. I, like you have also attempted to become part of a group or kindle a relationship that would be helpful to me and even them and been pushed aside.
    Now, I don’t attend church. I feel sort of lost after having ministry be my focus for all those years. It seems no one really cares. That makes daily living tough and I can sympathize with your plight.
    I wish I could offer something encouraging that would inspire you, but find myself in the same exact place.
    I wish you well.
    Chris

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