I am struggling a bit with anxiety at the moment, actually, it is not so much anxiety, as sheer discouragement and inner exhaustion. I feel drained mentally, physically, even spiritually.
You know the saying “the squeaky wheel gets the oil”, well I’m not a squeaky wheel. Here on this blog, I talk about feelings, negative self and indulgent ones even, but in my real life, I still haven’t found it easy to express my needs well. I’m a nurturer, so is my husband, we don’t find it simple to ask for help. We beliee being a Christian means putting yourself as less important than others, and not making a big deal when you do things for another, quietly and invisibly caring.
I’m finding it harder to find the energy to go out and face the world, knowing that unless I can be assertive and demanding, I’m probably never going to get what I need to feel from others. It is exhausting to put on a smile when I just feel like screaming or crying, falling down, covering my face, and sobbing until darkness falls.
Yes, I know what to do, but I don’t want to become the pushy person who is always determined to have MY needs met. I couldn’t do it back when I was in hospital, in fact, I was so quiet I’m pretty sure the nurses forgot I was even there. And I still can’t do it now. There were others who did, they had one on one visits with the nurses and more time each week with the doctors, I hope it helped them and they are well along and recovered now. I pray they learned to use their voice outside the hospital too and are being taken wonderful care of.
So instead I feel tired and somewhat invisible. Recently I/we asked for help, asked someone, several someones actually to support me in a very simple way. It wouldn’t have meant any thing much changing for them, except to include one new person (me) into their social group one afternoon a week. It was met with resistance. And it hurt. I quietly faded away into the background, pretending it didn’t worry me.
I have a wonderful husband and a small and loving group of elderly friends, but occasionally, I need to know there are others out there too. I’ve spent my life trying to care for every single person I’ve ever met, it’s exhausting but so worth it! Id not change it for the world!
But, what I need is to be taken care of occasionally without needing to push my way in to others lives too. There are so many people willing to do that, putting themselves first and squeaking away to make sure they are set up to win. I need to know that people see me, that I’m not invisible, and that my life mean something.