When you are the child of narcissistic parents you grieve many times. Most people grieve when their parent dies, but for those of us who have been black listed multiple times, treated as though we failed to exist, we have lost our parents many times over.
Most of all we grieve when we realise the parent we have is never going to be the parent we hoped for. They don’t exist. And generally as a narcissist ages they become more stuborn and set in their ways, any glimmer of home in a happily connection with them shatters and dies.
I have cried a lot for the death of my dreams and ideals.
Last week my husband and I reached out to my mother once again via text, as Christians we feel a large burden of responsibility to care for her. Because of that love and care, we keep trying to have a balanced (impossible with a narc) family relationship with her despite her abuse and manipulations.
Her reply was bitter. Telling us how we never love or respect her and that the only one who did was her DOG! She again, for the billionth time, told us she is going to sell her house and move away to somewhere we will never be able to contact her again.
This week my mother has actually put her new home on the market. Who knows if she will actually move away without a forwarding address, but the threat/promise hangs in the air like smoke.
I am sad, and hurt in my heart.
I’m sad for what I wish we/she could have been, and actual family where we all love and care for each other. I am sad for my children, that the loving relationship with biological family will never be realised, I am sorrowful for their loss.
I also feel a guilty sense of relief. The thought that she might make good on her threat she’ hung over my head for decades of “selling and leaving and never having anything to do with me again” coming true gives me a shameful peace.
My mother has died many times, I have grieved the loss each and every time. There was never anything I could do to make her stay except to sacrifice my own happiness and my life, and in later years, my children. It is not possibly to do that forever, nor is it healthy.
I will grieve again this time, but it may be my last time ever. Sadly, biology does not make family, love does! She is incapable of loving me or my children, and as each loss occurs, I have cried a little less for a shorter time, one day I won’t cry again.