Monsters in my dreams

One of the hardest things (let’s face it, none of it is easy though) about having depression and anxiety together with PTSD is that the thing you want to do the most can become one of the things you fear the deepest. Sleep. I wake up exhausted almost every morning from fighting the monsters in my dreams.

It is worth noting that not everything relates to the actual traumas I experienced, but the common theme is a feeling of fear and helplessness, doom, pain, and violence. Much of it relates to myself, but often it infects my family, these are the nightmares that I fear the most, the ones where I am trying to protect my children or husband and I can’t. The dread when you wake and your husband has left for work so you can not immediately check on him to make sure he is safe, the frantic race to your children’s rooms to make sure they are there and no one has harmed them while I slept.

The sense of fear and doom can linger all day, sometimes even longer. Even after I have seen my children, and spoken to my husband, checked on them all repeatedly during the day, I obsessively worry that my dream, instead of being something that had already happened, may now be a premonition of things to come. I feel the need to keep in contact with them throughout the day, as though my knowing their every move will keep them safe from harm. While I logically know it is impossible for me to keep them safe simply by knowing their whereabouts I can’t help myself.

I’ve lived with nightmares most of my life, even as a young child, prior to any major traumatic events in my life, I remember waking screaming in the night from dreams of lions tearing me to pieces (I was an unwanted child and my “sisters” never let me forget that, so in hindsight the dreams of lions tearing me apart probably came from the sense of hatred I could feel from them). But never in a million years did I expect to experience the torment of bad dreams throughout my teen years and well into adulthood.

Thought I’ve been told and read so often that people shouldn’t remember their dreams, I remember many of mine in glaring clarity with exacting details and cloying fear (even years after they have happened for some of the worst of them).  Often dreams come in series like some horrible TV show, starting again with a new episode each time I fall asleep.

People expect children to have nightmares, they are almost a rite of passage, but when as a 30 something year old you mention you have nightmares on a regular basis, people react with scorn or humor. It seems to be that it is viewed as weird, and silly, and childish. To be honest, I even struggle personally with these feelings, it feels to me that I am idiotic and weak for letting my mind run to such horrible fantasies when my eyes close.

Supposedly is not uncommon for those who have experienced trauma or displacement to have nightmares, men, women, children, young or old. There is both comfort and sadness in knowing that. Comfort, because I am not alone, not “weird”. Sadness, because it hurts my heart to know others have to experience this too. I wonder if they all have come to dread slumber, something that should be restful and rejuvenating. Waking from a nightmare the last thing you feel is rested or relaxed, often I wake to find I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth so badly that it’s bleeding and scarred, neck, shoulders and joints are painful and tense, my head is throbbing, my heart is racing, and I’m drenched in sweat. The physical pain from this tension only feeds the bad dreams too, often having its own place in the personal horror of sleep.

 

9 thoughts on “Monsters in my dreams

  1. As some say the Mind can be a terrible place. I hope you continue to look for answers, because research and knowledge and the more we talk about our Mind’s Health the more we can hopefully help each other! Hoping you are blessed with restful sleep!
    #sleep #rest #support #share #mind

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  2. Comfort and sadness. Yes, that is truth. I still habe nightmares too. Over stupid stuff. My husband too. He hold me because he gets that these don’t just go away for adults like us. And they do come in series. It’s awful. And waking up And falling back asleep doesn’t help. It’s like a “to be continued…”

    My kids at 9, and 10, and their nightmare years have ended. I’m blessed that trauma hasn’t touched them!

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    1. I’m so thankful your children have passed the nightmare years. That must be such a relief for you. But I’m sorry you and your hubby have this same struggle. Xx

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      1. Yes. That is the truth right there. I have been on new medication for the past year and slowly my nightmares are decreasing. I’m even having “normal” (I guess normal… I’ve never had “normal”) dreams sometimes too! PTSD is notorious for ruining our ability to dream happy dreams though. So nasty!!!

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      2. It’s odd, but when I was pregnant all four times, I didn’t have morning sickness instead I got horrible awful nightmares the entire pregnancy. While it’s not unheard of it’s not the norm either. I have one other friends that this was the case for her as well and she has been through trauma, so I wonder if there’s a correlation. It would make for an interesting case study anyway

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      3. Hormones are awful sometimes. After my second live birth I had agoraphobia so bad I couldn’t even check the mail bc stepping off the porch set off my anxiety so bad. And now, I can definitely say that unless I’m specifically triggered, from ovulation to menstruation is when I have my worst nightmares. So I do think hormones mess with my wacky!

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