Left behind. An invisible child. Forgotten.
As a parent I can’t imagine forgetting my child. As a child, I was often Left behind, invisible and forgotten.
I don’t mean having my curious childish and incessant questions about everything and anything ignored, I mean literally being forgotten, invisible, ignored, and left behind.
At the supermarket, petrol station, school, and other places. I don’t meant running late, I mean actually forgetting I was there.
One day my parents got an hour’s drive away before they realised they’d driven off and left me at the service station, I was about 10. Other times I sat on the steps of the school for an hour or more after the bell went, waiting and hoping they’d remember eventually to pick me up. I’ve been left at the cinemas, at the supermarket, and numerous other places too.
In hindsight it was funny, we laughed it off, but I wonder how a parent can forget they took their child with them somewhere.
Dad was a bumbler, he never was on time for anything or anyone, but mother was never late for others, ever. Appearances were important and being late would never do. It hurts to remember though that they could forget that I existed, especially since I was the only child at home.
I’m not a perfect parent. Yes, I’ve been late to collect my kids from school, once or twice, but I’ve never driven off and forgotten they existed. Somehow I was always the one to blame, “you should have told us you were still there”, “you should not have walked off”, “no one would kidnap you, if they did they’d soon bring you back!”.
As an adult I’ve come to realise I’ve got a deep sense of abandonment. I’m often afraid people don’t really want me around or would sooner I go away. I feel invisible and worthless, unworthy of affection and loyalty.
I have always had nightmares filled with horror and abandonment.
Feeling unwanted and invisible has been with me since a little child. But I’m slowly coming to accept I am not in the past, those in my present life care and want me there, and I need to trust them.
I am not invisible anymore.