Why do we feel so guilty when we try to escape our narcissist? Is it because we are being selfish by not putting them first? It feels that way. Guilt burns in my chest so often that it feels as though it will consume me.
Tomorrow my husband has organised for us to go to a different congregation for our weekend worship. He held me while I sobbed myself to sleep last weekend and said that enough is enough, I and our children deserve better.
I am really looking forward to going to visit with other friends, and I am glad to be able to sit and listen to the service without feeling that sense of dread that any moment my Mother may say or do something to hurt me or my family.
But, yes, there is always a “but”, I feel a massive burden of guilt. What if she doesn’t go to the service at our normal congregation, or leaves as soon as she realises we aren’t coming? Will that damage her spiritually? If she falls away from God, is that my fault? Is she really that bad, or am I just being paranoid and reading too much into things? Others seem to think she is a sweet old lady, am I just being selfish and over thinking the past and the present, looking for reasons to dislike her so I don’t have to be burned with an elderly mother who needs my help?
I am gaslighting myself! I know it, but it is on loop in my head. Second guessing my joy at being able to escape for a weekend or two and worship in peace. Feeling selfish and childish for not being able to just fix things with her.
After 2 years of therapy and more medications than you can count, you’d think I’d be better at this by now. My doctor would say “Do you need to take this on? Are you sabotaging yourself?” and he would then stare me down until I admit my irrational thinking. However he is on leave at the moment, and I am left to my own devices, during a particularly difficult time of year for me.
I am going to go tomorrow, with my husband and children, I am going to be thankful that we have a chance to worship somewhere different away from the vortex of hate that my Mother brings with her.
I will try to enjoy myself without guilt.
Eventually, we must all become accountable for our own actions. I can not change my Mother, only she can do that, so I must stop being guilty when I don’t let her hurt me. Instead I will pray she will let God into her heart, and He will help her instead.