I’ve been fragile lately.
I’m tired – physically, emotionally. It takes it’s toll on a person.
This week I tried to talk to my mother, to see how she is. Despite her abusive ways, I do care if she is well and try to keep an eye on her from a distance so as to make sure she doesn’t suffer. It was painful, like having healthy nerve filled teeth crushed by pliers and the extracted with a scalpel type of painful.
One word answers, delivered cuttingly, then the sob story about how bad my “poor” older sister (biological aunt and materially sucessful Golden Child) is feeling. The poor thing is in so much pain, her back has become so bad she had to get a nerve block recently.
I tried to hide my incredulous expression, I dohave sympathy for my sister, pain is horrible, but here I am, listening to mother telling me how bad her favorite daughters pain is and how she must take it easy. At almost 60, a life of heavy drinking, being overweight, and much partying, I’d expect that physical pain is likely to be expected.
Meanwhile, in the past year, at age 34, I’ve had more than 6 hospital admissions and over 20 injections into various nerve roots to try to manage the daily pain I am in because of a serious accident 3 years ago. Mother has made it clear I am selfish and lazy for not running around after her, becoming angry when I cooked a meal but was too pained to drive it to her, and asked if she could pop up or wait for my husband to deliver it later.
I know it’s pointless being hurt by a narcissists favouritism, but fragility is by nature weak. I’ve spent my life running after this woman, caring for her every need, desperately trying to make her happy, yet she does not care for my pain.
My sister has been self absorbed, materialistic, selfish, has used my parents, and generally only visited when it benefited her, yet mother pours out love and approval, proudly telling everyone about her successes and garnering sympathy for her in her trials.
It is not worth worrying about for too long and I’ll let it go. I refuse to let her lack of care continue hurting me. But for tonight, I needed to express my hurt and fragility, and then I’ll move on.