In the beginning

December 30… The day I was born. Already I was unwanted, a fatherless child to a young, unwed mother, an immature woman who wasn’t even sure who the father of her baby could be, maybe the engaged Italian policeman she was having an affair with, or the Lebanese taxi driver she was also lusting after, or maybe someone else, who really knew.

By the time I was a few weeks old she had moved on to the man she would then love and live with until the day he died. He was a slob of a person with no desire for another man’s child, and he hated me with a passion. Of course, I don’t remember this, obviously I was too young to be forming visible memories at that stage of life, but the report that I was thrown across the room at about 3 months of age kind of gives it away, and if that didn’t, then being abandoned at my grandparents’ home just a few short weeks later would paint the picture clearly.

Those first few months of my life set the stage for the rest of my formative years. Unwanted, abused, and cast aside. While my grandparents took me in and raised me as their own even allowing me to call them Mum and Dad, I was never truly wanted, an opportunity to remind me that I was the reason they remained poor was rarely missed, and threats of being sent away hung over my head like an executioners axe for my entire childhood.

6 thoughts on “In the beginning

  1. I am sorry for your heartache and pain. My own children would say that I am narcissistic and they grew up in foster care – separated from me and from each other living in numerous homes some good, some bad and some terrible always feeling unwanted and unloved. I struggled with my own issues of abuse, single parenting, bipolar depression and my children struggled because of my failure as a mother. I wish I could have loved them, raised them, given them a happy childhood- I did the best I could but I failed miserably and they were taken from me. I do not know if your mother is mentally ill or just totally self centered or a rotten mother but I am sorry to hear how you have suffered. I myself grew up feeling unwanted and loved and was abused and married a husband who abused me and then divorced me. Life is hard. Life is heartbreaking. You would be surprised at how many people have had a painful unhappy childhood with dysfunctional parents- I think a happy childhood is rare indeed. But I do know that God created you, He knows what you have been through, he sees every tear that has fallen, he hears the silent cries of your heart and he really truly loves you. You are precious and valuable to Him. He wants to be your friend, your loving Father, your dearest companion- He died for you because He Loves you. “ For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world would be saved through him.”

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  2. It pains me to “like” this post. But I want you to know it was read and heard. If I was around, I would want that beautiful baby. There were many people that wanted you. Just not the people who were there and who supposed to be protecting you. I read and I see you beautiful girl. xx

    Liked by 3 people

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