I know it is silly, but I’m laying in bed crying quietly as my husband sleeps next to me. Why? Because all of a sudden a familiar sense of worthlessness and loneliness washed over me – a stark reminder of why I turned off my social media for months, and when I reactivated them, did not follow most people I knew in real life.
A picture, smiling faces, a happy group of those I know, comfortably enjoying a large gathering. First I feel joy, it’s nice to see friends happy! But then I feel sad, loss, loneliness. It’s not even about not going, its about the fact that I couldn’t go – that my anxiety and self confidence has me at a place where to associate would be a terrifying act. But I wish I was someone different – a person who was naturally able to fit in and be included (you know the types, the ones who no matter which “group” is taking selfies, they are there).
I feel a bit lost, but I do feel like I’m doing well in many ways, I’m kicking all the goals and my Psychiatrist is extremely happy with me. He’s so happy that… this month is my last month of fortnightly appointments – yet behind my smile and agreeablilty I don’t feel ready, but in truth, I don’t believe I’d ever feel ready. My safety net is shrinking, and I’m here having to tell myself that I am worthwhile.
But I don’t think I can trust myself to be confident and proud of me, to withstand the emotional torment of being left out or forgotten. I love that I’ve developed some lovely friendships with older ones at my christian meetings, but I still feel isolated too. My closest friends around my own age are so busy, it’s hard to see them between my health, their schedule, and all of our busy weekends.
I have more than many people do, I have an amazing husband and 2 great kids – plus a very close friend who is just like a dad, and indeed, those few really close friends that I don’t see much of, but who I love and vice versa. I’ve also got a supportive team of professionals too, but the loneliness exceeds that.
I might need to step away from social media again maybe, especially as my safety of fortnightly meetings with my Psychiatrist changes. A little time will tell.