I never thought I’d write “I am happy”, not without it being meant in a sarcastic or ironic sense at least.
A few months ago, it seemed like an impossible dream, and that all this work was going to be for nought. Happiness seemed an illusion, but I can say without a doubt that I am happy. Of course, there are days when I feel depressed, and I consider it unlikely to ever live without anxiety to some degree, I am a naturally anxious person and accept that there will be times that it becomes unmanageable and I need to work hard to bring it back into control – but on the whole, I feel happy and content.
I laugh more often and more easily, and notice that I find it almost second nature to brush aside negative feelings after quickly considering if they are needed or helpful in the situation or not. Amazingly, I have even discovered that it is okay to say “Hey, that wasn’t cool. My feelings were hurt because of that” – in more eloquent terms of course. Progress! Great big leaps of progress that I never could have foreseen.
However, for every silver lining, there is a dark cloud. I am exhausted. The pain from my headaches is so intense and insistent that I feel absolutely drained on many days. It’s a different type of exhaustion from that which came with my depression and high anxiety, it’s more physical, but it takes its toll on the mental too.
Last night I lay awake until almost 4 am. My mind was not overly loud, my thoughts not terribly rapid, but my heart was jumping and skipping, and my head was throbbing a beat that sounded something like death metal. As my physical tiredness increased, my emotional tolerance decreased, I found myself wondering how much longer I can hold up and cope with this pain. In the end, I started to pray and just let the tears tumble, asking for God to support me through this trial and to help me to not become self-pitying.
I keep trying to hold on to hope that eventually, something my lovely doctors try will help to end this intense pain that wracks my head more days than not. It is easy to let yourself wallow, and it is something that I truly hope to avoid, so many people in this world have more pain and more trials than I do. I must continue to work on maintaining a happiness and finding peace in my trials.