Somedays the depression wins

Medication is a wonderful tool in the battle against mental illness, but often people, normally those without mental health issues, think that you have been miraculously cured. Unfortunately, that is not the case – mental illness is a highly complex sickness, even doctors and researchers do not fully understand the impact that depression, and anxiety, or any number of other mental disorders, have on the brain and body.

While taking some tiny pills each morning can certainly help balance your brain chemistry, it does not remove the illness. There are days when despite your best efforts, and the best efforts of your doctors and their prescriptions, the blackness and panic break through. No, medication does not provide full and instant relief from the swirling bleakness of depression.

Although I have recently had several good days in a row, today I feel depressed – depressed is more than sad, it sits on my chest, squeezing the breath from my lungs, and I feel as though I might suffocate at any time. Not only does it stop me from being able to breathe, depression sits behind my eyes, I feel the incessant but irrational need to cry. My hands are shaky, and my thoughts are illogical and self-loathing, but just because I know these thoughts are illogical does not make it easier to think clearer.

I’ve been battling this feeling since I woke up this morning – I’m hopeful that it will be short-lived, but sometimes it sets in for days at a time – long, hard, hopeless days.

I hate those days, the days when my depression and anxiety return – it feels like such a loss, the loss of the peace and balance that was there before. Each time the darkness overshadows the new found light, it feels a little blacker, a little more frightening – before it was the only thing I knew, it was my normal, but now I have known the light, the dark is scarier.

It would be so nice to take a tablet that cured the suffering, what a miracle it would be, to wake up each morning knowing that you would never feel depressed or anxious again as long as you took this special pill each day. How much do we all yearn for such a guaranteed cure-all?

One thing that I know for sure is this; sometimes the depression wins.

4 thoughts on “Somedays the depression wins

  1. I hope it was short lived sadness and you are feeling much better today? You write beautifully and it will help so many others, your compassion, love, understanding and empathy also come through in your writing, something you should feel great pride of. Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kindness. I’ll get there, hopefully it’s a short lived downward spike… I’m always assured that “it’s part of the process”.

      I hope you have a good day. Xx


  2. I feel like I could have written something very similar. Despite best efforts and medication and even some good days, other days can really weigh heavily and depression can blanket you and be unstoppable. Be kind to yourself and remember that you have readers, like me!, rooting for you. Just wanted to send a hug…  ♥ xx

    Liked by 1 person

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