It is my anniversary today. Today marks 100 days since I last self harmed, it is a milestone that a few months ago I couldn’t have imagined having. 100 days with no cuts or burns, 100 days of better coping skills for my emotions, 100 days of success.
It should be something to celebrate.
But instead…it is terrifying!
I should be proud of myself but instead I feel sad. I feel tired in my soul right now and I don’t know how to cope with it, once I’d have held my arm to a flame or run a blade over it, something to break through the numbness that being sad brings, but I don’t want to let myself or those who support me down by giving in to that urge any more.
Over the past few days I’ve been questioning myself, wondering if I should keep writing, questioning if I have tried to do more than I should have with sharing these thoughts and words with others instead of keeping them private. If I’ve betrayed those I know by daring to speak about the loneliness that I feel, brought God into disrespect by suggesting prayer isn’t enough for me, if I have disappointed people by speaking about the dark feelings. I don’t know.
There is also the sense that sharing my words is pointless. There are thousands, even millions of others out there who write with more zest and passion than I do. I wonder why I clog up people’s time by putting my own rambling thoughts out here. Is it selfish of me?
I guess the biggest driver for these feelings and thoughts is that currently feel like I don’t know who I am. Sure, I’m a wife and mum, and that’s a blessing I’m so very thankful for – but outside of that, what are my options, my hopes, my dreams – not the things other people wish for me, but mine, mine alone.
I am pretty certain that I know who my husband wants me to be. I know who my children want me to be. I think I know what my friends and acquaintances would like for me to be. I have an idea of what those at my Christian gatherings would like me to be. But I don’t know how to be all those things and not feel overwhelmed by the responsibility, I don’t know what I want.
I feel a little lost. I don’t know where I’m going with my life – I don’t know that 100 days self harm free is worth much when I don’t know these things. If it does mean something worthwhile, then at 100 solid days into my recovery, shouldn’t I know what it is that I need and want, who I desire to be? Shouldn’t I be feeling proud and strong, instead of weak and lost?
So many questions, and I don’t have the answers. I feel like I should. Today my win feels like a loss, today achievement feels like failure. Which leaves one last big question…
Am I worth the time and energy that is going into getting me mentally well?
Today, I’m not sure.