I wanted to write this letter to thank you for all you have done for me. For your patience, your love, and your understanding, for never giving up on me, even when I have given up on myself.
The past few years have been darkly difficult for me, but I know they have been equally heart-breakingly so for you. I can only imagine the helplessness and even frustration you must have felt as you watched me falling apart more and more, yet unwilling to accept that there was anything that was worth doing to try and fix the situation.
Several times in the past year I found myself writing letters to you, very different from this one. Letters that begged your forgiveness for the steps I was about to take, asking you to still love me and remember the good times we have shared and the beautiful friendship that we have always had (even during the hardest times). Those letters were painstakingly written, asking you to constantly remind our children that I loved them dearly also, and apologising for the hurt I knew it would to you all and the confusion it would leave when I was no longer here with you all. I needed those letters to convey the love I had for you, because I’d never get to tell you those words again.
Words don’t really express how grateful I am that I have a chance to write this letter to you instead. That you never got to read those farewell words, that you never needed too. And most of that has to do with you, because of your never ending kindness and love. You made it impossible for me to leave you, it was selfish of me, because despite the fact I felt like a millstone around your neck, I couldn’t leave you behind.
You supported my Doctor with his request for me to be admitted to hospital for treatment, and while at the time I felt so desolate and fearful of that, I am so incredibly grateful that you did so. Being away from you and the boys for those two weeks was painful in a way I couldn’t begin to imagine, those first few days and nights without you were the worst I had experienced, yet they made me wake up to the fact that I was about to make a permanent decision to never be with you again, not just an indescribable ache in my heart that was due to just a few short days without you.
I wish I could say to you that I’ll never again write those notes, but I don’t know if that is a promise I can keep, it was only a few weeks ago that I wrote the last one, sometimes I need to write because it gives me a sense of peace to know that I won’t leave you without a word. But I do promise you that I will do my very best to always be open and honest with you about the depth of my feelings, even the dark and miserable ones, so that we can face them together.
We have a beautiful relationship, we are the very best of friends. I hope to never ever leave you, I want to grow old with you, and watch our children grow. I want to laugh a lot with you, and tell you I love you until I can’t speak anymore. I want you to know how much you mean to me, and I hope to spend the rest of my life showing you that.
Thank you my darling man, for being the amazing person you are.
I love you to infinity.